The 3 A.M. Reading

By Victoria Q

I woke in the middle of the night at 3 a.m. Couldn’t fall back asleep so I took a book I’m recently fond of – Christmas For One by Amanda Prowse and read it, hoping to fall back asleep quickly as I have to wake up at 7.10 a.m for work later.

My bedroom was yellow bright in colour. Since I couldn’t sleep in dark, I had 1 table lamp on my writing desk and 1 mini humidifier with a light on my bedside table. I had 2 dogs sleeping together in my room and to avoid stepping on them in the middle of the dark night, the table lamp definitely did a great job.

I love books about Christmas – going to new places, meeting new peoples, finding love, having families over for the celebration. That always keep my excitement up during Christmas, wondering what kind of magic romance book I shall buy this year.

While reading the book, I got drawn into the fantasy of the events that happened in the story. I told myself that I must fall back asleep at 3.30 a.m, but I got carried away by the book. I continued reading for another line, another paragraph, another page and another chapter.

Without realizing, it was already 4 a.m! I stopped myself from reading, put the book away and quickly shut my eyes to get rested. I still couldn’t fall back asleep. I got so excited thinking of what happens next in the book.

I imagined myself as the main female lead in the book I just read – I was sent to a totally new country to settle down the issues that occurred at the soon-to-be-open bakery shop/cafe in New York City prior to Christmas. The electrical flexes hung in loops from jagged fist-sized holes that had been roughly cut in the new ceiling, there were no light fittings, instead, bright bulbs sat inside round wire cages that had been pegged up on wooden splints, providing temporary lighting.

I met a guy, an Irish New Yorker and works for the architects that were overseeing the new shop. He had red auburn hair. He was lovely, funny, spontaneous, thoughtful and kind. It turned out that he was the main male lead of the book.

Whenever I read a book/novel/story, I would imagine myself as the main female lead. But in real life, I was self-conscious and have no confidence in everything – what I do, what I wear, what I think, where I go. I worried I’ll get lost in a new place, even though I have GPS turning on with me. I worried people judged my appearance – fat, ugly, short. I worried that my opinion is wrong so I always go with what other peoples had decided.

Whenever people said I looked awful in certain clothes, I won’t wear them anymore even though I love them. Whenever people said I looked chubby, I’d starved myself to lose weight. I cared a lot about how people looked and judged me. I took it seriously and tried my very best to meet their expectation but it’s endlessly. People always pointed out my bad here and there no matter how well and hard I did it.

This year, I’m turning 26 years old (next month), I no longer care about what people thought of me. I am the main female lead in my life. I live a life I want –I create it, I change it, I design it and I’m perfecting it.

I gained confidence through a healthy diet and exercises. I eat plenty of vegetables and fruits with the right amount of protein and carbs every day. I exercise 5-6 days a week. However, I still have rolls, cellulite, a double chin and my legs are wobbly. These are extremely normal. I used to hate them so much that I would wear big clothes to hide them. Now, I love them.

My legs are strong and allow me to jump, run, lift, dance and take me wherever I want to go. My tummy expands throughout the day because I eat good food and feed them well. 90% of women have cellulite and a double chin. It’s the way our fat cells are stored and isn’t something to be ashamed of.

I may not feel beautiful or confident ALL THE TIME, but I deserve to feel the best of me. I deserve to live a fulfilling, happy life that isn’t controlled by the distorted view of others. Next time, if you feel less confident about your body, change those negative talk into a positive talk. Remember that you are the main lead of your life’s story, you’re the creator and you deserve the life you wanted

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